Category: My Story

It’s been 20 years since my last bout of eating disorders. I praise God for His help and love that got me through and sustains me.

Although I know, that just like an addiction, this is still something I must guard against for the rest of my life, God continues to help me on a daily basis and it gets easier as the years go by.

On of the things my counselor told me, was that I must replace evil with good.

“Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

Eating disorders fill your whole life and control your thoughts.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, with prayer and petition, and with thanks, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

“Whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8

Study the love of God and how much He loves you. It’s His kindness and love for us that leads us to Him.

Also, find good things in your life to fill the void. I chose to learn a lot about nutrition and started exercising for a more healthy body. Remember though that you can make anything, even something good, excessive and life controlling. For a while, I became an obsessive exerciser. I had to correct that. Do all things in moderation.

I also got into some hobbies of photography, dance, and reading.

Above all seek God first, and ask for His help daily. Stay connected to your accountability person. Maybe find a group that you can be a part of for support.

Pray, pray, pray. God hears you. God is with you. God is for you!

I wrote about the “Guilt Cycle” that ruled my life in the post called  “My Story #8 The Guilt Cycle”.  Now I was learning a new cycle.

Try-Sometimes Fail-Repentance-Forgiveness-Learn-Improve-Start Again

I started seeing the power of redemption and grace.  As you feel loved and redeemed each time you fail, God gives you new power to overcome.

• The following verse is the theme of this whole story.  We think that we are the ones that have to get it right on our own before we can come to God.  It’s the exact opposite.  God wants to be our Helper, Confidant, Strength, and Source as we fight our demons.  He wants to be there in the fight.  We can ask Him to not only help us to do, but to have the will/desire to do.  He can give us the want to want to! 

Philipians 2:13

For it is God who is producing in you both the desire and the ability to do what pleases him.

Along with keeping my eating disorders secret from others, I had also spent my whole life running from God.  As if, by not talking to Him, it would keep Him from knowing anything.  Silly to write down, but so true of all of us.  When we feel like we are letting God down, our first response is  to run from Him.  Just like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden hid themselves from God when they had eaten the forbidden fruit.

I looked like I was a God follower on the outside, but felt distant from Him because of my guilt.

I started being transparent to God, especially in the light of His grace that I was learning so much about.  I was learning that He was a kind God.

Psalms 90:8
God has set our faults before Him, our secret sins in the light of His face.

Romans 2:4

For it is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

The other profound thing that this counselor told me was this… Secrecy feeds eating disorders and all other addictions. Accountability can break that power.  It’s the reason why people who are in AA have sponsors.  Take away the secrecy and you take away a lot of the power.

I had spent my whole life covering up this part of me.  It was very hard to face the task of telling someone.  I feared anger, rejection, and disgust.  But I did it anyways.  I chose my husband and my best friend.  Yes, they were shocked, but they never rejected me.  It was an amazing relief that someone knew. If you don’t have someone like that in your family or friends, then find someone outside of that ( pastor, counselor, school counselor, teacher, etc.)

I told my two people that I needed them to ask how I was doing all the time and to not always trust my first response.

It did amaze me that this first step had such an impact on me.

 

 

In this part of my story, I am in a new church that is telling me about God’s mercy and grace.  Before going there, all I had heard about was how much I had to do to get God’s approval and love.  Suddenly, I was encountering a God that looked past my stuff, and saw me.

Meanwhile, I am starting to get some professional help.  The first counselor I saw diagnosed me as ADD and just wanted to put me on Ritalin. The second counselor I saw wanted to discuss how my parents were totally the problem.  I was confused, and ready to give up on that avenue of help, when a friend gave me a name of her counselor.  I decided to give it one more try.

When I walked into this counselor’s office, my first impression was that she looked like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies (a sitcom from the 1960’s).  She was older, with a wig that had a little gray bun on the top, AND she looked a little harsh.  Needless to say, I was a little apprehensive.

She told me first that she was a Christian, and that she would only speak as one, if that was okay with me.  It was okay with me,  so she said we would pray with me after every session, and she would counsel me as a Christian.

In the first session, I don’t even remember all we talked about. but I so remember the most profound (yet simple) thing she said.  She said “Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so”.  That phrase is from a church Sunday school song that most all church going kids learn by 3 years old. I had sung it too as a child.

She had gotten right to the heart of the matter.  I felt unloved by God, myself, and everyone else. Could it be that God loved me, no matter what?

 

 

I struggled with eating disorders and eventually depression for two decades.

In the middle of this, I am married,  a mother of two sons, and I have a good job.  Like I said, everything looked good on the outside.  I kept all of this secret, even from my family. The only thing they new was that I was depressed sometimes, although they never saw the worst of it. Most of the time, I was good at hiding it.

In secret, I was making efforts to stop, then would fail, and fall into despair.  This cycle continued for years. I started to fall apart.  The place I worked closed their doors and I lost the job that I loved, my best friend went through a divorce, my youngest son went off to college, and my husband and I, who had been struggling in our marriage for some time, grew distant.

We had been attending a church for most of our marriage, and we were realizing it was not a very healthy place to be.  There had been constant turmoil and splits over the 20 years that we had attended so we decided to leave.  I was so done with organized church that I would have loved to walk away, but instead we started attending one that I thought was the least like church I could find.  You didn’t have to dress up, it had great music, and I thought it would be fluffy entertainment….I was wrong….in a such a good way.

You see, God was working behind the scenes. He was and is working all things for our good, even when it doesn’t seem so.

Romans 8:28

“And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”

I think that most people think that eating disorders only plague the young.  It usually starts then, but many people continue to struggle in adulthood.

I was one of them.

It was a constant cycle of guilt.  Quilt, vowing to stop, eventually failing, guilt.

I  sometimes went as long as three years of being free.  Then I would fall back into the same patterns.

I led a double life.  One where everything looked okay to others and one that was plagued with this secret battle.

I felt disgusting, helpless, afraid, and sure that God couldn’t love me.  Eventually I fell into depression.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  My Story is hard to tell.  I’ve always wished this wasn’t my story, but I hear God’s voice calling me to tell it.

By the time I was 17 I was miserable and full of self hatred.  I said in a previous post that I had so much self hatred that I could have fell prey to finding love in all the wrong places.  It was God’s providence that this is when I met the guy that would be my future husband.  A very good guy.

The thing is, he had no idea how damaged I was. He saw me the way I presented myself. I was good at hiding the bad.

Long story short, we married when I was only 18 (not something I recommend). He was a good man and would have sent me to college but I chose to stay employed at a job.

I wish that the love of a good man could have cured me, but that is not how it went down.

I continued with bulimia, hiding it well, even from him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love my parents and I have a good relationship with them, so telling this part of my story is hard to do.  No parent wants to find out what they did wrong with their child.  I know this, because I am a parent, and I know that I did not do it all right.  I’ve made mistakes that I know about and I made mistakes that I probably don’t know about.

I had one passion as a teenager.  I was an excellent student who was always on the honor roll.  I made decisions on class choices based on the fact that I was going to college. I had a goal.

Let me say this to any parent reading this blog.  The number one way to get a child to steer clear of a lot of bad choices, is to help them find goals, (hobbies, athletics, talents, etc.) that they can direct their ambitions toward.  Something or somethings that make them feel good about themselves.  My goal was college and a degree.  But the summer between my junior and senior year (a night I remember vividly), I was told by my parents that I was NOT going to college.  As they said, “It was a waste of time and money”  As a girl, they felt that I would get married, and college was not a good idea.  I wouldn’t need it.

Did I say I remember it vividly?  I was devastated! The news was delivered at a family dinner table, and although I pleaded my case, they wouldn’t here of it.  All I could think about that night was how I was going to find a way to go without their help.  I know now that I could have found a way, but my teenage self couldn’t see it, and finally relinquished the hope of ever going to college after I graduated from high school.

I tell this part of my story, because their was a period of time between my anexoria and bulimia.  Before this devastating news, I was in that in between state.  Who knows, if I could have been able to hold on to my dream, would the pendelum have swung to bulimia.  When my goals were taken from me I spiraled downward, in many ways.  I didn’t get straight A’s anymore because it didn’t matter.  I stayed on the honor roll and that kept my parents happy, but I started drinking, and partying, and hanging out with kids who did that too. AND the eating disorder kicked into high gear.

I also could not wait to get out of my house.  I knew that when I graduated I was gone.  I not only cut off my parents from any part of my life, I also cut off my two siblings.  I felt alot of self hatred, condemnation from God, and drinking helped me numb those feelings, and it was a way to fit in and not be so shy with my peers.

To this day I know that God protected me during that time, even though I didn’t deserve it. Not only when I was drinking, but the opposite sex started paying attention to me.  And because of my self hatred and need for love, I could have gone down the path of sleeping around. Thank God I didn’t.

 

My secret life with Bulimia, was just that, secret.  I could now carry on with life on the outside looking quite normal.  I maintained a healthy weight, was socially active, and did well in school.  My parents were elated.  Elated and Oblivious!

Keeping it secret was pretty much a full time job because as my disorder progressed, I could have episodes of it once, twice, or sometimes three times a day.  I had to binge in secret and I had to purge in secret.

The next part of the story is the hardest to tell (at least one of the hardest).

I started stealing money from my parents to buy some of the food I ate. They always had cash handy because they owned their own business and took money from the till home.  Also, I had to find places to purge. Sometimes I went out into the woods next to our house, sometimes I drove to woods, but if I could not get out of the house, I had to find ways to do it in my home without anyone knowing.  Many times I did it in the shower while the water was running.  Many times I purged in my room in a container.  This is how my parents finally found out what I was doing.  They found that container before I could flush the contents.

Once again, bulimia is not a known term in 1977.  My parents can not figure me out.  First they think that maybe I’m having trouble with alcohol and got sick.  But self-induced vomiting? They had never heard of such a thing.  Their response? Anger.

This was how my teenage bulimia looked like. Unfortunatly, it did not end there.