Month: August 2018

I wrote about the “Guilt Cycle” that ruled my life in the post called  “My Story #8 The Guilt Cycle”.  Now I was learning a new cycle.

Try-Sometimes Fail-Repentance-Forgiveness-Learn-Improve-Start Again

I started seeing the power of redemption and grace.  As you feel loved and redeemed each time you fail, God gives you new power to overcome.

• The following verse is the theme of this whole story.  We think that we are the ones that have to get it right on our own before we can come to God.  It’s the exact opposite.  God wants to be our Helper, Confidant, Strength, and Source as we fight our demons.  He wants to be there in the fight.  We can ask Him to not only help us to do, but to have the will/desire to do.  He can give us the want to want to! 

Philipians 2:13

For it is God who is producing in you both the desire and the ability to do what pleases him.

Along with keeping my eating disorders secret from others, I had also spent my whole life running from God.  As if, by not talking to Him, it would keep Him from knowing anything.  Silly to write down, but so true of all of us.  When we feel like we are letting God down, our first response is  to run from Him.  Just like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden hid themselves from God when they had eaten the forbidden fruit.

I looked like I was a God follower on the outside, but felt distant from Him because of my guilt.

I started being transparent to God, especially in the light of His grace that I was learning so much about.  I was learning that He was a kind God.

Psalms 90:8
God has set our faults before Him, our secret sins in the light of His face.

Romans 2:4

For it is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

The other profound thing that this counselor told me was this… Secrecy feeds eating disorders and all other addictions. Accountability can break that power.  It’s the reason why people who are in AA have sponsors.  Take away the secrecy and you take away a lot of the power.

I had spent my whole life covering up this part of me.  It was very hard to face the task of telling someone.  I feared anger, rejection, and disgust.  But I did it anyways.  I chose my husband and my best friend.  Yes, they were shocked, but they never rejected me.  It was an amazing relief that someone knew. If you don’t have someone like that in your family or friends, then find someone outside of that ( pastor, counselor, school counselor, teacher, etc.)

I told my two people that I needed them to ask how I was doing all the time and to not always trust my first response.

It did amaze me that this first step had such an impact on me.

 

 

In this part of my story, I am in a new church that is telling me about God’s mercy and grace.  Before going there, all I had heard about was how much I had to do to get God’s approval and love.  Suddenly, I was encountering a God that looked past my stuff, and saw me.

Meanwhile, I am starting to get some professional help.  The first counselor I saw diagnosed me as ADD and just wanted to put me on Ritalin. The second counselor I saw wanted to discuss how my parents were totally the problem.  I was confused, and ready to give up on that avenue of help, when a friend gave me a name of her counselor.  I decided to give it one more try.

When I walked into this counselor’s office, my first impression was that she looked like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies (a sitcom from the 1960’s).  She was older, with a wig that had a little gray bun on the top, AND she looked a little harsh.  Needless to say, I was a little apprehensive.

She told me first that she was a Christian, and that she would only speak as one, if that was okay with me.  It was okay with me,  so she said we would pray with me after every session, and she would counsel me as a Christian.

In the first session, I don’t even remember all we talked about. but I so remember the most profound (yet simple) thing she said.  She said “Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so”.  That phrase is from a church Sunday school song that most all church going kids learn by 3 years old. I had sung it too as a child.

She had gotten right to the heart of the matter.  I felt unloved by God, myself, and everyone else. Could it be that God loved me, no matter what?