I love my parents and I have a good relationship with them, so telling this part of my story is hard to do. No parent wants to find out what they did wrong with their child. I know this, because I am a parent, and I know that I did not do it all right. I’ve made mistakes that I know about and I made mistakes that I probably don’t know about.
I had one passion as a teenager. I was an excellent student who was always on the honor roll. I made decisions on class choices based on the fact that I was going to college. I had a goal.
Let me say this to any parent reading this blog. The number one way to get a child to steer clear of a lot of bad choices, is to help them find goals, (hobbies, athletics, talents, etc.) that they can direct their ambitions toward. Something or somethings that make them feel good about themselves. My goal was college and a degree. But the summer between my junior and senior year (a night I remember vividly), I was told by my parents that I was NOT going to college. As they said, “It was a waste of time and money” As a girl, they felt that I would get married, and college was not a good idea. I wouldn’t need it.
Did I say I remember it vividly? I was devastated! The news was delivered at a family dinner table, and although I pleaded my case, they wouldn’t here of it. All I could think about that night was how I was going to find a way to go without their help. I know now that I could have found a way, but my teenage self couldn’t see it, and finally relinquished the hope of ever going to college after I graduated from high school.
I tell this part of my story, because their was a period of time between my anexoria and bulimia. Before this devastating news, I was in that in between state. Who knows, if I could have been able to hold on to my dream, would the pendelum have swung to bulimia. When my goals were taken from me I spiraled downward, in many ways. I didn’t get straight A’s anymore because it didn’t matter. I stayed on the honor roll and that kept my parents happy, but I started drinking, and partying, and hanging out with kids who did that too. AND the eating disorder kicked into high gear.
I also could not wait to get out of my house. I knew that when I graduated I was gone. I not only cut off my parents from any part of my life, I also cut off my two siblings. I felt alot of self hatred, condemnation from God, and drinking helped me numb those feelings, and it was a way to fit in and not be so shy with my peers.
To this day I know that God protected me during that time, even though I didn’t deserve it. Not only when I was drinking, but the opposite sex started paying attention to me. And because of my self hatred and need for love, I could have gone down the path of sleeping around. Thank God I didn’t.