Before I start my story I want to share one Bible verse. This verse was a key to my recovery. It is the resonating theme of my story and I want to share it first. Later you will see how it helped me.
Phillipians 2:13
“For it is God who works in you, to will and to act according to His good purpose.”
My Story Begins……..
I come from a middle class, Christian family, raised in a small town in Washington State. My childhood was probably fairly normal, but every family has some dis-function, and we did too.
One of the things that had such a negative effect on me as a child, was the lack of interaction with my parents. I realize now that my mother was task oriented, and not being raised with physical or verbal affection herself, did not know how to show that to others.
I, on the other hand, was a child who very much needed verbal and physical love. There were no hugs or “I love you” in my childhood. Because I did not get that, I became shy, timid, and insecure. I was the oldest child, and from very early on, instinctively knew that I had to take care of myself. I felt alone and fearful of just about everything. When I awoke in the middle of the night in fear from a nightmare I was told to go back to bed. One time at the age of 6, I decided to put the wall clock in our kitchen ahead so that, in my mind, daylight would come sooner. Needless to say when my mother saw it the next day, I did not confess.
I had imaginary playmates all my childhood, well into my pre-teens. They were the ones that loved and adored me. To them I was special.
I attended a Christian school and learned about God at a very early age. Although I did believe in God, it wasn’t until years later that He became real to me. In school it was more of a history lesson and not a heart lesson.
In a small town everyone one knows you. In our little Dutch town, that was taken to an extreme. Pride ruled. Pride of possessions and pride of what others thought of you. Appearance was key. You needed to look good, do good, and be successful. It was an environment that was a breeding ground for someone to develop eating disorders. I am sure to this day that the percentage of people suffering from them is very high in my home town.
Normally you don’t want anyone to know your dirty laundry, but in a small town, that fear is much greater. This makes it all the harder to get help. Everyone is putting their game face on. All the skeletons are in their closets. If your skeleton should get out, you are the talk of the town.